ReaLIzAtIoN

2day between 6am n 6.30am while rearranging my comic shelf I found 2 things, which I didn’t expect 2 found. D 1st is a letter send to me by a friend. The date on that letter is June 2000. In that letter my friend gave me an advice n a reminder about my selfish acts as a human being. I did a very cruel thing to another person. Which at that time I took that person for granted.
I heed the advice but it is hard for to change urself when u think that u didn’t need to change. I did change but it is just for awhile. N I end up to doing the same ol’ mistakes all over again.

D 2nd thing that I found was also a letter written by me to that friend of my. D date on that my letter was September 2000. In that letter I really my friend for forgiveness for all my mistakes. I also wrote I’ll tried my best to change into a good n reliable person.

God knows that I never managed to do all that friend ask of me. That’s d things which bundle up inside of me all this years. Can I change into a better man? Can I b a good man? Can I b a reliable man?

Why I ask this questions d reasons is simple cz I let that friend n also my own self down.
It put a dent in my mind. I didn’t think that I can change to the person I ought to b.
It’s being going on for years in my mind. Until I watch a movie called sweet home Alabama. There’s a character name Jake, he lost his wife becz of his foolishness. He feel the only way to make it to her is by changing himself to b a better n reliable man to her. He in the movie he managed to change himself n win bck his wife. That’s kinda d fairy tale ending we love to c right?

I was so inspired by his determination 2 prove to his wife n also to himself he’s no loser. I really wanna b like him, not winning bck my wife cz I don’t have any, but the way he uses the bad experience into a motivation to b a successful man. I really wanna prove to my own self that I can achieve my dreams. I can change myself n prove to myself that once n for all that I’m not a fucking loser.

Thank god for letting me read that both letters again right now……..cz finally I understand n realize the advice n d reminder that friend had given to me. Sorry it took me 5 years to heed ur advice my friend. It took me a long time to grow up ……. I guess.

Reading it was hard cz all d past which I really wanna forget comes again to my mind but I realize it has happen……….I cannot do anything about it, except learn frm d mistakes that I made n never repeat it again. An also the importance of growing up in all aspects of my life. My physical, mental, emotional n spiritual must grow up parallel with my age n time on this earth.

I have already move on frm my past but reading the letters for me it’s God way to show me not to do d same mistakes. It’s a funny way to show it but…….I really thank god for it. I’ll keep it in my mind n close to my heart so I’ll never do it again to another person n to my own self.

Now I understand why it was hard for me to let go of my past. There’s only one thing, which made it difficult for me to let go which is regrets. I’m d type of human who always wanna do the best in all aspects of life. I did badly in d past n I really regret it n keep on thinking about it all d time. It consume me……. I was blinded by it. Until d day I saw that movie. Now I still feel regrets but I know the best things to do to get over it is by doing the best for my future. Now it fuels my heart n my desire for success, so when I look to my past I can say it wasn’t a bad experience but a learning experience which widened n richen my knowledge steer my acts for all my life. Well it is better to make a mistakes in ur youth rather than in ur prime.

It takes me a long time to grow up,…….. feel like an idiot but than again I’m just a human being. “to err is human” that’s me. Always doing things d hard way. But that is the benefit of making so many mistakes in ur life, u get to experience all d hardship, regrets n humiliations. As the saying “what didn’t kill u will make u stronger”. That’s d truth. Right now I’m stronger than d past. I’ve been through hell n now I’m back with vengeance.

I wrote this blog becz I wanna have a written confession….so that every time I feel like down n wanna give up, I’ll read this blog n remember the oath that I make to myself, n keep own fighting till my last breath in this world. I’m not stopping even when d fat lady sings, cz my whole life is depend on what I’m gonna do right this time around.

All great people were measured by what they do when they were faced with their greatest hardship whether they choose to quit or to keep on fighting until d end. All my idols have gone through hell n when they came back they r better than before. Cz when u r down n have nothing to lose that’s d best time to show d world what r u really made of.

May b I had written something similar in d past……….It just a way for me 2 express my feeling right now. Actions speaks louder than words……that’s true. When u keep on writing n say that u can change ur heart n confidence will believe that 2. when all this things merge together it will be one hell of a spirit that will help me in my fight against my own self. Myself is my worst enemy, I fail to understand that in d past but now I know in my heart if I fail again it will not b anyone else fault it just my own.

D odds may b against me but that is the hurdle that I must face to become what I’m destine to b. the risk is high but high risk high returns. I must do it for my own sake. This time around is d last I’ve got to prove to myself that I’m worthy living in this world. Not another scum back or another Malay trash.

In conclusions I wanna take this opportunity thank God almighty for always b there for me. To my family n friends who also always b there for me. N lastly to that friend who wrote that letter 5 years ago thanks for ur advice n reminder,

Urs truly,
>:)
$kin.